A nice lady from Phoenix took this for me.

Wish you were here!

Too ridiculous for words.

I went to Lenny’s the other day and saw that he had a stack of postcards advertising the National Association of Letter Carriers Stamp Out Hunger food drive. From May 3 to May 10 post offices are accepting bags of food that they’ll take to a food bank. So I dropped off a bag at the post office on Saturday and felt a little better about myself. But I have to be honest with myself. I’m not really a do-gooder, as I merely foraged in my own kitchen for stuff I haven’t eaten! Is that bad? I swear it was all unopened, well within the expiration date, and generally healthy. For example, among my offerings were several cans of sardines (packed with omega-3 fatty acids!) and some Amy’s organic soups. It’s better than potato chips, right?!

I was walking around last night with Christine and her friend Mike and we came upon the awesomest thing. An exhibit of crocheted coral reefs. It’s all made out of yarn!

If you’re in New York and want to see it for yourself, it’s across the street from Grace Church at Broadway and 10th. You can also read about it and see more pictures at this site that explains the whole project. It’s so cool!

The other day Shirliey called to thank me for the voicemail message.

“Uh, you’re welcome?” I had no idea what she was talking about! After a bit of confusion she realized it was her sister, not me, who had called to wish her a happy birthday.

“Today’s your birthday?” I said.

“Yes, and that’s why I was so surprised when I thought it was you because you never remember my birthday!”

“I’m so sorry! Happy birthday!” I said. I’m such a bad friend. Then I was curious. “Do you remember my birthday?”

“Yes, I always do. Don’t you remember that I always call you on your birthday?” Oh dear. She is such a good friend. OK, to my credit, I remember all of my family members’ birthdays. And I think on the spectrum of friendship people would generally place me on the thoughtful end. Plus, I sort of think that as adults, remembering birthdays isn’t a dealbreaker. The only reason anyone remembers mine is because I start reminding them of it months in advance, kind of like how Hollywood advertises movies a year early to generate buzz.

This is not to say that Shirliey was faulting me or trying to make me feel guilty. She said not to worry because I’m one of her closest friends and she knows she can come to me for anything — which she can’t say for all of those other friends who call on her birthday. I felt good about that for a few moments and then I said, “Uh, does that mean you would come to me if you needed a kidney?” It would be easier for me to just remember her birthday!

I figured out a mnemonic for next year. Shirliey’s birthday is seven days after my dad’s birthday, and I never forget to call him. Now I just have to remember to call her a week later!

S. Ruddy sent me this. It took me a little bit before I got it and then I thought, Weird Al Yankovic is a genius!

Here is the original:

Imagine my surprise this morning when I saw the same guy who swindled me out of $20 three weeks ago! He was standing in the same exact spot and used the same pickup line! “Are you Chinese?” he said. And then he launched into his same ol’ shtick: I was in a car accident, I just got out of the hospital, here are my discharge papers, look, I’m still wearing the plastic hospital ID bracelet, I have a cane, can I have money to take the train home? Please?

The nerve!

“I gave you $20 three weeks ago!” I said to him. A look of panic crossed his face as he recognized me.

“I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry! I don’t have any money so I have to do this!”

“You lied!” I said. “Lying is bad! There are other ways to get help than by lying to people. There are places you can go to get help!”

He apologized again. And then he asked me for more money!

Perhaps I should have been more charitable. I am sad that he is clearly unwell. Maybe he is a drug addict or has mental problems and truly has no one to turn to. But I was charitable three weeks ago! Regardless, any amount of scolding on my part won’t change his situation. And, to paraphrase the immortal words of Lili Taylor in “Say Anything,” he lies!

Tom Sempai called the other day and asked how I was doing, since he knew my allergies were in full force. After the initial pleasantries, however, I quickly discovered his real reason for calling.

“Can I buy my chametz back from you?” he said.

“Humm-what?” I said.

“Chametz.”

He was, of course, asking for his whiskey and all the other grain-based products that I had purchased from him before Passover! It was a real bargain - the $.75 fee covered the loot AND rental of the closet in his home in which he stored it. I agreed to sell it back, although, between you and me, I’m bummed about having to give up the cheap storage space, especially since I was planning to shlep up all of my tax records, photo albums and winter clothes to keep there!

OK, not you. The 50-something Chinese guy who accosted me at Grand Central 3 weeks ago and begged for money to get home. He had a cane and some discharge papers from a hospital, and said he had been in a car accident and lost his wallet.

It was the oldest trick in the book, but he preyed on my naivete and sympathy for those in need and I succumbed. What if the same thing ever happened to a loved one? How could I not help? Plus, he begged and pleaded and then begged some more. It was truly pathetic. “Give me your address and I’ll send it back to you,” he said. I give not to get anything in return, in theory, but I wanted to see what would happen. If he sent it back I vowed to donate the money to children. But apparently they took gullible out of the dictionary because it’s been 3 weeks and I’ve gotten nothing. I am a sucker. And an embarrassed one at that. I can’t believe it happened to me!

OMG. Lisa sent me the most shocking link yesterday about the outrageous calorie counts at Chipotle. At first I was outraged, and then numbness set in, followed by despair. I wondered if I should start listening to the morose subway mix that I wrote about yesterday. But then I paged down to the comments and laughed out loud at the person who gained 15 pounds from eating burrito bowls.

Lisa, meanwhile, is vindicated since she is a food snob and can’t see why her husband and I live and die by generic Fresh Mex. (Some people just don’t understand!!!) Anyway, the upshot is that if I keep eating at Chipotle I will die an early death. Happily, this horrific news coincided with my recent vow to only shop at independent businesses. For at least a week. So, goodbye Chipotle. Tear.

I realized that any links and things that I put up here pretty much fall into two categories — hilarious or charming. I like this blogger/artist Candy Chang because most of her site is charming. A few weeks ago she put up a song list that she calls “Ten Songs That Will Turn Any Old Subway Ride Into the Most Poignant Life-in-the-City Scene From a Heartbreaking Movie.” Here it is:

1. Nico - These Days
2. Air - Mike Mills
3. Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin - Je T’aime Moi Non Plus
4. Mellow - Airplane
5. David Bowie - Space Oddity
6. Ratatat - Cherry
7. The Zombies - Beechwood Park
8. The Rolling Stones - She Smiled Sweetly
9. Sonic Youth - Superstar
10. Brian Eno - The Big Ship

As an experiment I loaded all the songs onto my iPod shuffle. And my subway ride DID turn into a poignant movie scene! Er, except when the Serge Gainsbourg song came on. That one made me feel like I was in an un-air-conditioned train in Paris. And the David Bowie song made me feel like I was in high school because I was obsessed with him then. And, oh yeah, the Sonic Youth version of “Superstar” only brought to mind visions of Barbie throwing up in Todd Haynes’ movie about the Carpenters!

It also doesn’t work when an a capella group boards your car and interrupts your melancholy reverie inspired by Candy’s lovingly-compiled soundtrack. I’m afraid not even the Rolling Stones can change the basic nature of a New York City subway ride!

If you have some spare time, these are high-larious. They are kind of like SNL sketches in that the concepts are great but they run on a bit. I recommend you just watch the first three minutes. You will laugh out loud!

One of my Facebook “friends” posted this yesterday. I IM’d it to Andrew who owns a pocket protector and has 2 cats, and could have been the star. I like the part where they try the peanut butter sandwiches.

And Luke IM’d this to me. I thought of ways to make it more accurate — the contestants should have have had iPhones, for example, and they should have had competing trust funds. The ratty t-shirt bit is priceless, however!

My sister Alysia was editor-in-chief of our high school newspaper but you wouldn’t know it from her email that had an alarmist subject line (”car accident”), 5 photos of her smashed car, and an appalling lack of detail. She said it had been hit by a drunk tow truck driver who hit 7 other cars before he was chased down by the police. “No one was hurt,” she said. Other people might have been satisfied with that bit of information, but I asked myself, in all caps, WHO WHAT WHERE WHEN WHY HOW!!! What time was it, where was it, how was she not hurt, was the car parked and was she not in it??, was she at a stop light and rear-ended??, was it in a parking lot or what??, were there other people in their cars, was there a high-speed car chase?? Needless to say I was worried, so I called her and interrogated her. If only she had included the simple detail that she wasn’t in the car, then I would have been happy. She did, however, mention that after the police caught the driver, the tow truck had to be towed away because it was so wrecked that it was undriveable. The irony!

“Car accident.”

S. Ruddy and I saw this on someone’s antenna in the Village yesterday and he took a picture on his cell phone. They looked fresh! Mmmm!

That’s what I would say to Tom Sempai if he picked up the phone today, but he’s an observant Jew (and soon to be ordained as a rabbi - congratulations Tom!!!), so cannot. I’ve lived in New York long enough to claim to be an official New Yorker and some of my best friends are Jewish, but I’ve never been invited to a seder. I told Anya this, who assured me she would invite me if she ever hosted a seder but that she hasn’t. She also added, kiddingly, “And you’ve never invited me to a Korean holiday.” Good point.

This year I still wasn’t invited to a seder, but I can say that for the first time ever I’m participating in another Passover tradition, the temporary sale of a Jewish person’s grain-based items that they’re not supposed to own during Passover. (See here for more.) Tom Sempai called me yesterday and said, “Do you want to buy all of my grain-based items for $1.00?” I didn’t know how it worked — did I have to schlep up to his Upper West Side apartment to pick it up? How would I pay him in time? Paypal? He said I could owe him, and that he will store it for me and I can pick it up anytime, unless, by chance, I might want to sell it to someone in the future. He also said I would be getting some good whiskey. “How about $.75?” I asked. “You drive a hard bargain,” he said. And it was a done deal. I’m calling myself a Passover Goy with the Korean bargaining gene.

I was happy to be included, especially since I had seen my friend Carter earlier that day who said he bought all of the beer in his Jewish friend’s refrigerator for a nickel, and I was kind of envious. Now we should have a party!

Chag Samayach, my Jewish friends!

This was on Neatorama. Fun!

I saw on YFSF that The Onion broke a major story yesterday about how the Yankees buried Bernie Williams in their new stadium for good luck. I laughed almost as much as I did at the articles about writers and men from the other day. But I won’t forward it to Leslie because she doesn’t care about baseball, much less the Yankees! But she lets me be her friend anyway.

Believe it or not, the majority of my BKNY Classic, i.e. BKNY 1.0, i.e. snail mail newsletter readers do not read my blog. Where’s the outrage! I am starting to put together this year’s issue, and in an effort to draw my old stodgy readers to my Web site I plan to reprint some of my greatest hits! However, I need your help. Could you please let me know what your favorite posts have been, or general topics you have enjoyed the most? Remember, this is greatest hits, not biggest bombs, so don’t bother telling me what you hated unless you want me to cry.

Thank you!

P.S. For my faithful blog readers, never fear, there will be plenty of new content in BKNY Classic. It won’t just be blog retread!

Kids are so old these days. I was on the uptown 1 the other day and at my stop I had to nudge my way through a group of about 10 teenage boys, each of whom had his own adult-sized skateboard. They were blocking the door, so I said, not unkindly, “Getting off, kids!” One of the boys said, “I just turned 16, so I’m not a kid anymore!” Hmmm. Can’t drink, can’t vote, can’t drive, can’t buy cigarettes. Kid!

I once asked my journalist friend Leslie how many papers she reads a day and she said none, because she just reads all the articles that her friends email her. I am proud to say that it’s only Wednesday and I’ve already forwarded her two salient articles this week. The first was this brilliant piece that someone else forwarded me on the age-old writer/editor divide by Michael Kinsley. I am of two minds on the whole issue. As a writer I once vowed never to become an editor as I wasn’t in the business of crushing people’s spirits. Of course, now as an editor I do things like cut pieces by removing every third word and then claim I simply “tweaked” it.

I also forwarded Leslie this even more brilliant piece that my sister forwarded to me on “Men Who Explain Things,” or, as my friend Sasha defined it years ago, Male Answer Syndrome. I have first-hand knowledge of MAS, having grown up with patient zero — my dad. One time he was talking at me for so long that I cut him off and said, “You know, I thought we were having a dialogue,” And he said, with no trace of humor, “No, this isn’t a dialogue. It’s a monologue.” I was speechless!

Of course, Leslie forwarded both articles to everyone she knows!